Some of the recent blogs/comments have made wonder why is it that we are afraid to open up to love again?
Oh we have ALL been hurt before, that is life, but what makes one person pick themselves up and allow themselves to be vunerable and love again, and another to shut down?
Is it not that feeling of being loved and loving we are all searching for?
If you have been hurt before and survived, why wouldn't you survive it yet again?
Have heard it said that someone will love again when t more...
Some of the recent blogs/comments have made wonder why is it that we are afraid to open up to love again?
Oh we have ALL been hurt before, that is life, but what makes one person pick themselves up and allow themselves to be vunerable and love again, and another to shut down?
Is it not that feeling of being loved and loving we are all searching for?
If you have been hurt before and survived, why wouldn't you survive it yet again?
Have heard it said that someone will love again when they can trust the person they are with. Is allowing oneself to love again about trusting the other person, or is it about trusting oneself?
Is not a life without love just as painful or even more painful, than loving and maybe been hurt?
Would really love to hear all your thoughts. xx less...
Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla I agree with you on the fear factor. I also agree that it takes love to melt that walls.
IF the person is willing to allow someone into their heart and mind. That's what I've found, it's tricky to l...
Well Done Aimee Fla, love it when I have a epiphany, it really can change your whole outlook.
Yes agree with you there all the way, want to attract love, not hurt into my life.
If you focus on the negative, all you will find is that you just more...
Quoting: Originally posted by aimeefla I agree with you on the fear factor. I also agree that it takes love to melt that walls.
IF the person is willing to allow someone into their heart and mind. That's what I've found, it's tricky to let someone into your mind much less your heart. The other side of coin is to stop looking, recognize that you're not ready, not willing and not able to allow another person into your life. Emotions are delicate and resilient at the same time. I, like many others, have been hurt and disappointed. I gave it much thought, did I really want someone to share my life with? YES, my next hurtle is to agree to risk being hurt. Then I thought that this approach was rather negative. I decided to risk being loved. That epiphany was startling to me. I could not imagine why I had not thought of it that way before now.
Risk being loved, that's not negative. Risk being hurt, that's negative. Which energy do you want to attract? Hurt or love? I want to attract love, I'm willing to risk being loved once again.
What say you?
Aimee Fla
OZ said:Hmmm I think it is very easy to say that you are not ready to build a relationship if you have walls, but I think we all have them to one degree or another, and not always consciously.
What if someone is being as open and honest as they are able to be at the time, and it is only your love and trust that will help them to break down the rest of the barriers?
Not everyone has worked out, can see or even understands their issues. Sometimes it takes love to be able to help them to do that.
Well Done Aimee Fla, love it when I have a epiphany, it really can change your whole outlook.
Yes agree with you there all the way, want to attract love, not hurt into my life.
If you focus on the negative, all you will find is that you just see more negative.
Be open to being loved, but dont forget to be open to giving love as well. Does it mean your going to fall in love or going to get hurt? Of course not. It just means that you can be loving.
How can you know if the person you are looking at is right for you if you are closed off from receiving and giving love?
I now find that I am much more able to show my emotions of like/love, and maybe that can freak some people out?
But I don not want to lose the gains I have made, for I feel love within me, not pain, regret or anger, and know that I will find someone who can see that love as a good thing and not something they should try and stop or run from. less...
"...would be nice (?)...
One, is because of the other!
As i've been 'fighting' against falling in love for 25 years, IS why i've not been in love...4d past 25 years.x
Alright so one is because of the other, but lets presume for now,that you think it would be nice, that you want to fall in love again.
I have been thinking about your comment here as well as some other blogs and one thing that I was really curious about was that you use more...
Quoting: Originally posted by ariesram
"...would be nice (?)...
One, is because of the other!
As i've been 'fighting' against falling in love for 25 years, IS why i've not been in love...4d past 25 years.x
Alright so one is because of the other, but lets presume for now,that you think it would be nice, that you want to fall in love again.
I have been thinking about your comment here as well as some other blogs and one thing that I was really curious about was that you used the term "fighting".
Have to ask why are you fighting? I suppose I can understand if you had said running rather than fighting.
Fighting implies a deliberate decision, that goes beyond just being scared or having no control over something. It suggests that the urge, desire or feeling has been there at some point, but is being held back?
Why would we not be fighting to HAVE love in our lives?
I can understand that the hurt can be a powerful motivator for us to either do or not do something, but if we did not overcome hurt and pain we would never do anything.
So why would the pain of love be so debilitating, so unconquerable?
Why do we hold on to decisions made from years or centuries ago, when the situation is different and we and are also different?
Are we scared to trust the other person or is it ourselves that we dont trust?
I was once told by someone that I hold special to me, (while I was doubting myself, and feeling like a pupil again in this game of love) that maybe I should stop being a pupil and start being a teacher.
Well I took his advice, but do believe we all must be the pupil and the teacher at the same time.
Not trying to give you a hard time here, just really interested in hearing your viewpoint. xx less...
I agree with you on the fear factor. I also agree that it takes love to melt that walls.
IF the person is willing to allow someone into their heart and mind. That's what I've found, it's tricky to let someone into your mind much less your heart. The other side of coin is to stop looking, recognize that you're not ready, not willing and not able to allow another person into your life. Emotions are delicate and resilient at the same time. I, like many others, have been hurt and disappointed. more...
I agree with you on the fear factor. I also agree that it takes love to melt that walls.
IF the person is willing to allow someone into their heart and mind. That's what I've found, it's tricky to let someone into your mind much less your heart. The other side of coin is to stop looking, recognize that you're not ready, not willing and not able to allow another person into your life. Emotions are delicate and resilient at the same time. I, like many others, have been hurt and disappointed. I gave it much thought, did I really want someone to share my life with? YES, my next hurtle is to agree to risk being hurt. Then I thought that this approach was rather negative. I decided to risk being loved. That epiphany was startling to me. I could not imagine why I had not thought of it that way before now.
Risk being loved, that's not negative. Risk being hurt, that's negative. Which energy do you want to attract? Hurt or love? I want to attract love, I'm willing to risk being loved once again.
What say you?
Aimee Fla
OZ said:Hmmm I think it is very easy to say that you are not ready to build a relationship if you have walls, but I think we all have them to one degree or another, and not always consciously.
What if someone is being as open and honest as they are able to be at the time, and it is only your love and trust that will help them to break down the rest of the barriers?
Not everyone has worked out, can see or even understands their issues. Sometimes it takes love to be able to help them to do that. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by truefriendinme Yup. I agree with most everyone here. I'm chicken. Chicken, chicken, chicken. BUT, if I did meet someone special and I trusted him, I would jump in. Probably head first. I feel much better a...
True your not the only one that is chicken, believe me. LOL
I think I have earned my CPR Diploma, lol and I have to say that its something that I am not really proud of, but am happy to have gained.
I think you have touched one one of the rea more...
Quoting: Originally posted by truefriendinme Yup. I agree with most everyone here. I'm chicken. Chicken, chicken, chicken. BUT, if I did meet someone special and I trusted him, I would jump in. Probably head first. I feel much better about my decision making process now. I have much higher standards. Besides, I'm a good swimmer and am now CPR certified! lol! All kidding aside, I'm scared to do it. But, I will. When the time is right, I think I will know it. I think my partner will know it. Ultimately, I think it will feel right. --True
True your not the only one that is chicken, believe me. LOL
I think I have earned my CPR Diploma, lol and I have to say that its something that I am not really proud of, but am happy to have gained.
I think you have touched one one of the real issues here.
You say that your decision making process is much better, and that you have higher standard now.
I think that when you meet that person it will not be about trusting them. First you will have to trust that you have chosen well that your evaluation of them is correct, and then and only then do I believe that you will be able to trust them.
What do you think, do you agree?
I so hope that is real soon for you, would love to see that smiling pic of you up here. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by RWGROOT60 Wow.
Some great comments
The "Wall" people put around themselves at times is amazing. How can anyone look for a relationship when you are afraid to give of yourself.
Some people tell me ...
Hmmm I think it is very easy to say that you are not ready to build a relationship if you have walls, but I think we all have them to one degree or another, and not always consciously.
What if someone is being as open and honest as they are abl more...
Quoting: Originally posted by RWGROOT60 Wow.
Some great comments
The "Wall" people put around themselves at times is amazing. How can anyone look for a relationship when you are afraid to give of yourself.
Some people tell me the wall is there so that the guy can climb over the wall and prove himself.
We all have to prove ourselves. Wall or no Wall. I think building relationships are built on respect and trust. The building blocks to get that are consistency, honesty and communication.
After being hurt, if you aren't ready to be open, honest and giving, how can you possibly begin a relationship....instead you build acquintances which are as empty as the night is long.
I think the wall isan excuse not to be open, and when someone can't be open, i know they aren't ready for me
Hmmm I think it is very easy to say that you are not ready to build a relationship if you have walls, but I think we all have them to one degree or another, and not always consciously.
What if someone is being as open and honest as they are able to be at the time, and it is only your love and trust that will help them to break down the rest of the barriers?
Not everyone has worked out, can see or even understands their issues. Sometimes it takes love to be able to help them to do that. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by butterbll The fear of failing at love should not keep one self hunkered in a emotional bunker.One should be cautious not to repeat the same mistake over and over. It is from the failing at love(or any other tas...
Oh Butter, I think you have hit a very valid point here.
Yes I do believe its about learning from your mistakes and growing from it. Evaluating why it went wrong and what part you had to play in it.
If we never took risk , we would not achiev more...
Quoting: Originally posted by butterbll The fear of failing at love should not keep one self hunkered in a emotional bunker.One should be cautious not to repeat the same mistake over and over. It is from the failing at love(or any other task ) we as humans must grow.Thomas A. Edison,I think said it best And I will paraphrase is "Sucess is 2% insparation and 98% persperation !" If no one ever took risks we would still think the world is flat , that man cannot fly, and so on.Yes failing at love hurts when you fail.But by one never trying again to find it two people or more will lose .
Oh Butter, I think you have hit a very valid point here.
Yes I do believe its about learning from your mistakes and growing from it. Evaluating why it went wrong and what part you had to play in it.
If we never took risk , we would not achieve anything in life, and most of us certainly would not be here on this site. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by RWGROOT60 Wow.
Some great comments
The "Wall" people put around themselves at times is amazing. How can anyone look for a relationship when you are afraid to give of yourself.
Some people tell me ...
I have to agree but to know that you have to be open and honest is one thing to allow yourself to do that is not human nature.
I pride myself on being honest and open and am very giving but that doesnt meant i dont deep inside approach dating with more...
Quoting: Originally posted by RWGROOT60 Wow.
Some great comments
The "Wall" people put around themselves at times is amazing. How can anyone look for a relationship when you are afraid to give of yourself.
Some people tell me the wall is there so that the guy can climb over the wall and prove himself.
We all have to prove ourselves. Wall or no Wall. I think building relationships are built on respect and trust. The building blocks to get that are consistency, honesty and communication.
After being hurt, if you aren't ready to be open, honest and giving, how can you possibly begin a relationship....instead you build acquintances which are as empty as the night is long.
I think the wall isan excuse not to be open, and when someone can't be open, i know they aren't ready for me
I have to agree but to know that you have to be open and honest is one thing to allow yourself to do that is not human nature.
I pride myself on being honest and open and am very giving but that doesnt meant i dont deep inside approach dating with caution so as not to repeat the past.
I try to treat each person as an experience and each new man as a chance to have the future that I want, but some times the men are not honest. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by RWGROOT60 Wow.
Some great comments
The "Wall" people put around themselves at times is amazing. How can anyone look for a relationship when you are afraid to give of yourself.
Some people tell me ...
I don't think it's quite as simple as that ....
I don't think people always consciously built that wall, it forms by itself as protection.
I'm told I have one, and I'm very aware of it at times, but I believe it has doors in it that the right more...
Quoting: Originally posted by RWGROOT60 Wow.
Some great comments
The "Wall" people put around themselves at times is amazing. How can anyone look for a relationship when you are afraid to give of yourself.
Some people tell me the wall is there so that the guy can climb over the wall and prove himself.
We all have to prove ourselves. Wall or no Wall. I think building relationships are built on respect and trust. The building blocks to get that are consistency, honesty and communication.
After being hurt, if you aren't ready to be open, honest and giving, how can you possibly begin a relationship....instead you build acquintances which are as empty as the night is long.
I think the wall isan excuse not to be open, and when someone can't be open, i know they aren't ready for me
I don't think it's quite as simple as that ....
I don't think people always consciously built that wall, it forms by itself as protection.
I'm told I have one, and I'm very aware of it at times, but I believe it has doors in it that the right person will have the key to opening.
(Blimey, can't believe I just said that .... must have skipped a dose of my cynical pills today!!) less...
Yup. I agree with most everyone here. I'm chicken. Chicken, chicken, chicken. BUT, if I did meet someone special and I trusted him, I would jump in. Probably head first. I feel much better about my decision making process now. I have much higher standards. Besides, I'm a good swimmer and am now CPR certified! lol! All kidding aside, I'm scared to do it. But, I will. When the time is right, I think I will know it. I think my partner will know it. Ultimately, I think it will feel righ more...
Yup. I agree with most everyone here. I'm chicken. Chicken, chicken, chicken. BUT, if I did meet someone special and I trusted him, I would jump in. Probably head first. I feel much better about my decision making process now. I have much higher standards. Besides, I'm a good swimmer and am now CPR certified! lol! All kidding aside, I'm scared to do it. But, I will. When the time is right, I think I will know it. I think my partner will know it. Ultimately, I think it will feel right. --True less...
Quoting: Originally posted by wyldechild I would say a big part of it is fear. A lack of self love, a lack of optimism, etc. The inability to say "wow, I AM willing to take a chance". People believing they won't find love and so because they believe that thought, they don't. In a sense derailing their own chances of happiness. Ultimately we have to be happy and loving of ourselves before we can truly be engaged in a happy and healthy relationship with another.
Quoting: Originally posted by wyldechild I would say a big part of it is fear. A lack of self love, a lack of optimism, etc. The inability to say "wow, I AM willing to take a chance". People believing they won't find love and so because they believe that thought, they don't. In a sense derailing their own chances of happiness. Ultimately we have to be happy and loving of ourselves before we can truly be engaged in a happy and healthy relationship with another.
Oh so true Wyldechild, you do have to be able to happy within yourself to be able to give to and love another.
All too often though we find that people want their partners to make them happy, much too much of a burden to put onto anyone. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by bluegirl2006 Good question. For me, the issue IS trust. This is why I don't believe in love at first sight. I didn't fall in love with my sweetie right away. It wasn't until I got to know him well, and he showed...
Hi Bluegirl,
You make and interesting point here, that you lost trust in yourself as well as men.
I do wonder if when we get hurt like this some of of what stops us from moving on is the inability to trust our own judgment?
Quoting: Originally posted by bluegirl2006 Good question. For me, the issue IS trust. This is why I don't believe in love at first sight. I didn't fall in love with my sweetie right away. It wasn't until I got to know him well, and he showed me over and over again that I could trust him that I really fell in love with him. And even then it was DAMN scary. Because even though we may survive a break up they always hurt and the more you were invested in the relationship the more it hurts. You can be left with such hurt that it far outweighs the memory of the good parts of the relationship. Like I was when after 13 years of marriage my ex- told me he had NEVER loved me. It explained many of the inconsistencies in my marriage and retrospectively colored all my memories. And I did lose a bit of trust in myself as well as trust in men in general.
Hi Bluegirl,
You make and interesting point here, that you lost trust in yourself as well as men.
I do wonder if when we get hurt like this some of of what stops us from moving on is the inability to trust our own judgment?
If what we thought was so right turned out to be so wrong, then how do we know that the one we choose next time wont be the same?
The fear of failing at love should not keep one self hunkered in a emotional bunker.One should be cautious not to repeat the same mistake over and over. It is from the failing at love(or any other task ) we as humans must grow.Thomas A. Edison,I think said it best And I will paraphrase is "Sucess is 2% insparation and 98% persperation !" If no one ever took risks we would still think the world is flat , that man cannot fly, and so on.Yes failing at love hurts when you fail.But by on more...
The fear of failing at love should not keep one self hunkered in a emotional bunker.One should be cautious not to repeat the same mistake over and over. It is from the failing at love(or any other task ) we as humans must grow.Thomas A. Edison,I think said it best And I will paraphrase is "Sucess is 2% insparation and 98% persperation !" If no one ever took risks we would still think the world is flat , that man cannot fly, and so on.Yes failing at love hurts when you fail.But by one never trying again to find it two people or more will lose . less...
I think it is the fear of failing again. but what I have learned is that for every person I date they bring something into my life and there is a lesson that I needed to learn. I think that it is part of my growing when I date someone and it doesnt work out, then I need to understand why. I am always improving myself and therefore I know that I am six feet about ground which is a great option compared to the alternative.
Not so long ago I found myself in a situation of starting again, what had looked good for a short period of time I now found sitting around my feet, to be honest I was a bit bewildered for I thought it had so much potential so much promise.
My immediate reaction to was pull back, protect myself, and I am such an expert at doing that, have has lots of practice.
The thought giving up trying completely was looming as a real potential solution more...
Wonderful comments here thanks for sharing. :)
Not so long ago I found myself in a situation of starting again, what had looked good for a short period of time I now found sitting around my feet, to be honest I was a bit bewildered for I thought it had so much potential so much promise.
My immediate reaction to was pull back, protect myself, and I am such an expert at doing that, have has lots of practice.
The thought giving up trying completely was looming as a real potential solution rather than having yet again the pain I was feeling.
A friend was discussing my finding someone new, moving on to find a new love.
I responded that was that I was not ready to do as yet, that as I could not trust my judgment.
Could not trust MY judgment?? Not if I could trust someone new, or what someone else had done/not done?
I found this really interesting, for if my fear was not Dependant on if I could trust them, as I had previously thought for all my life , then it was something completely new to me.
What do you guys think? Is it about initially trusting oneself enough to say that you have chosen someone that you are willing to open up to, willing to take a Chance on, and in doing this you then learn to trust them?
Or do we have to trust them first to be able to trust our judgment and open up to them?
Looking at past relationships, was the pain I felt a result of my disappointment of choosing to love and trust someone that I perhaps should not have, or was it only a result of their actions, their fault?
Can someone else really hurt you without your permission???
Maybe it is different for all of us? I dont know but I am loving this opportunity to really look at and understand myself better. xx less...
Quoting: Originally posted by ozredhead62 Some of the recent blogs/comments have made wonder why is it that we are afraid to open up to love again?
Oh we have ALL been hurt before, that is life, but what makes one person pick themselves u...
I do want, very badly, to fall in love again - and I am certainly not FLEEING from any relationship that has potential, but I AM fighting against opening myself up, being vulnerable.
Is that what love is? Being trusting enough to be susceptible more...
Quoting: Originally posted by ozredhead62 Some of the recent blogs/comments have made wonder why is it that we are afraid to open up to love again?
Oh we have ALL been hurt before, that is life, but what makes one person pick themselves up and allow themselves to be vunerable and love again, and another to shut down?
Is it not that feeling of being loved and loving we are all searching for?
If you have been hurt before and survived, why wouldn't you survive it yet again?
Have heard it said that someone will love again when they can trust the person they are with. Is allowing oneself to love again about trusting the other person, or is it about trusting oneself?
Is not a life without love just as painful or even more painful, than loving and maybe been hurt?
Would really love to hear all your thoughts. xx
I do want, very badly, to fall in love again - and I am certainly not FLEEING from any relationship that has potential, but I AM fighting against opening myself up, being vulnerable.
Is that what love is? Being trusting enough to be susceptible to the pain one can inflict upon another? We only hurt the ones we love because they care and have feelings for us?
When I was 5 I stepped into the road and got hit by a car. It didn't kill me, but you can bet I always check both ways twice from 10 feet to the street before I attempt to cross, even 28 years later.
I don't think I am afraid to love again, I think that on some level I have realized that being in love really isn't worth the pain that will eventually be doled out to me (or him!)... so therefore I am reluctant to declare and discuss my feelings.
I was in SERIOUS love once. My entire world stopped for about a year while I recovered from the pain of it. I wish I could have that feeling back with someone. Who knows, maybe one day I will?
But then again maybe love is like heroin. The first shot of it and you experience euphoria of the likes you have never ever experienced before... and then you spend the rest of your life chasing and yearning and itching for that feeling that is physically impossible to ever feel again. less...
Because not everyone NEEDS love in their life. I can and have gotten by without it, for years. Finding LOVE, would be nice (?), but it wouldn't be the end of MY world if i never find/accept it.
Yes of course we can get by without love/partner in our lives, I have been doing that for years myself as have many others.
May not need it but it does not mean I dont WANT it.
You say that finding love would be nice. Yet you have also said " more...
Quoting: Originally posted by ariesram
Because not everyone NEEDS love in their life. I can and have gotten by without it, for years. Finding LOVE, would be nice (?), but it wouldn't be the end of MY world if i never find/accept it.
Yes of course we can get by without love/partner in our lives, I have been doing that for years myself as have many others.
May not need it but it does not mean I dont WANT it.
You say that finding love would be nice. Yet you have also said "25 wasted years, fighting against falling in love again."
Do these two statements contradict each other? Can someone really want to find love if they are fighting it as well?
I know that many people, including myself, have been in similar situation and perhaps some are still there.
So what makes the difference between wanting love and being open to it verses wanting love but being closed off and protected?
I guess here is where I go back to the original blog questions. xxx less...
For me it's all a TRUST issue. Being cheated on by my ex-hubby and being totally blindsided by it and clueless makes me think..."Do you ever really know someone" and how do you know if you can really trust them because maybe I am a bad judge of character. Even after 10 years of marriage I apparently didn't know him.
I also know that OZ's comments are true too, pick yourself up you survived one or more heartaches you can survive another. With luck you won't have to, you might just fine that one you're looking for that won't break your heart.
If you fail 100% of the time to even look then you fail 100% of the time to find.
I think I've learned to take my past experience and learn from each wrong choice. I tend to examine it to see what I missed and what I will lo more...
Wylde said it very well and I agree.
I also know that OZ's comments are true too, pick yourself up you survived one or more heartaches you can survive another. With luck you won't have to, you might just fine that one you're looking for that won't break your heart.
If you fail 100% of the time to even look then you fail 100% of the time to find.
I think I've learned to take my past experience and learn from each wrong choice. I tend to examine it to see what I missed and what I will look for the next time around.
I don't want to fail, I don't go into a relationship thinking it will fair. As Wyld said it would be a self fulling prophecy to do that to myself. Why would I want to do that to me? I'm not going to sabotage myself in that way. been there done it, learned and retaught myself to not do that again.
We tend to be our own worst enemies at times.
Think about what you want, then let the universe find it for you.
Go on, you can do it. I'm doing it.
